


If I Were a Boy

by steggyisimmortal



Series: Shield and Gun [8]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 1st POV, F/M, oh the pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-17 20:52:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11859432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steggyisimmortal/pseuds/steggyisimmortal
Summary: And everything you had got destroyed





	If I Were a Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the lines: _"When you lose the one you wanted…..And everything you had got destroyed."_

* * *

I really don’t want to do this. 

 

What if I’m not thinking fast enough?  What if I can figure this out?  What if I have another way out of this? I have to do this now or never.  I’m running out of time.  I don’t have enough time to figure out another way. 

 

But what if I do?

 

Your voice is a blessing and a curse.  I know I called you; I wanted to call you, but I’m filled with regret hearing the pain in your voice now.  It matches the claw I feel strangling my heart with every rapidly passing second.

 

I have to leave you and it’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

 

I hope you understand.  I don’t want you to hate me but a million thoughts are flashing through my mind right now.  All the unspoken promises we made to each other are useless and lost now.  We were so careful to avoid making real plans after the war, whenever it finally ended, but I know we both had hope in spades. 

 

It always felt like we never had enough time.  Quick glances, the slightest of touches in the middle of crowded rooms, hasty kisses after a job well done in the field, a well spent day off in your small apartment in London.  All of which I’m trying to commit to my memory like I’ll be able to take it with me in death.  Maybe I will.  I’ve never given death much thought, what happens after people pass.  I don’t treat myself like I’m invincible, no matter what you may think, but I honestly didn’t think I’d be facing it this soon.

 

I was a sick kid.  Spent a lot of time in bed or at the hospital.  I didn’t like to think about death then because I was too busy trying to get well enough to start living like everyone else.  I don’t want to think about death now because I’ve finally had a taste of how amazing life can be with you.  Maybe my life was just waiting for you.

 

You don’t have to hate me.  I hate me enough for my decision.  But I know if I don’t do this a lot of innocent people will be hurt and I just can’t have that. 

 

You sound so hopeful, so desperate, that it kills me to tip the nose of the plane down. 

 

You have the most beautiful voice.  I don’t think I’ve ever told you that but you do.  I could listen to you talk for days. You’d get tired of me not answering after twenty minutes, though, that you’d give me an exasperated sigh and stop.  You do that when people talk over you, too. 

 

I’m trying hard not to think about the fact that I won’t get to hear your voice anymore.  I wanted to hear that voice every day for the rest of our lives.  There’re are a lot of things I’ll never get now.

 

I want to look into your eyes every morning when I woke up and every night before I go to sleep.  I want to take you on dates to the Stork Club and Ebbet’s Field and the movies and everywhere else I can think of.  I want to dance with you every chance I get, once you finally teach me how so I don’t make a fool of myself.  I want to watch you do your hair every morning before work.  I want to help you get undressed every night before bed.  I want to watch our kids running around, playing stick ball in the street like I used to when I felt well enough.  I want us to grow old together.

 

Instead I’ll have to settle for an empty promise we both know I can’t keep.  No matter how much it kills me. 

 

Maybe there is such a thing as another life.  I’ve never given that much thought either but it’s another small comfort to me now.  I know I won’t make it to the Stork Club next Saturday at eight o’clock on the dot but in another life I know I’ll be there.  I know you’ll be waiting for me in that killer red dress with an bemused smile telling me I’m late just because I didn’t get there five minutes early like you. 

 

Next time I’ll be early, Peggy.  I promise.

 

* * *


End file.
